Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
