Need sex. Gaining weight.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
