if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
