I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
