he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
