My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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