Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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