1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
