you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I AM VODKA MAN
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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