I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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