Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
