I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
