1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
