Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
