I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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