Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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