he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I think my vagina is haunted
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i out mim tonsoeep
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
