I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
