I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
