Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
