wanna go halves on a baby?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
