I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
