My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
