I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
