So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
