I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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