from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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