You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have aggressive nipples.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize