You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
