I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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