my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
