What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
