I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
