when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You took a bar mat shot.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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