I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
