you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
