I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
