There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
