A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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