Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
