Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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