it hurts more in the daytime
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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