i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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