ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
