you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
