Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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