I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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