I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
