I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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