im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
