Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize