I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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