ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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