well I can't set my house on fire every night
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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