By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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