Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
