Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
