3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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