This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
