Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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